Holding On

It's been awhile since I updated. It's been hard as I have been swirling in a deep depression. I miss my boy dog so much. As time goes on, the reality of his absence grows stronger. I got his ashes back last week. Joe and I picked out a nice pewter like urn with gold paw prints on it. Not too sure I want to put him in it...I know it's not him per say but I would have to open the bag and "pour" him in this thing and I don't feel too comfortable with that.

I cleaned his bowls and his place mat for the last time last week and that killed me. I collected his things...collar, leash, brush, meds, etc. and put everything in the bowl. I put that stuff under my bed so I can pull it out and cry : ( His bed in my room will stay for a long time. At night I swear, I *see* him laying there. I'm working on a slide show of him but that is going to take a good while because I have thousands of pictures. Kourtney is having a hard time as well. She is trying desperately to understand but how does a 5yo understand death? Last week the school nurse called, Kourtney told her her heart hurts. Then she asked if we lost a dog recently , I told her yes. So the bottom line was that my baby went to the nurse and told her that her heart hurts because her dog is dead and can she please fix her broken heart....:sob: I asked the nurse in a quivery voice if she could also fix mine. The other day she told her daddy that when we go to Disney in Nov. that she needs to get off the plane and have a talk with God because he needs to give us our Chance back....Everyday she says something and I just try to be supermom and explain over and over that he is always in our hearts etc..she don't want to hear that and I don't blame her. Then I go hide and bawl my little head off. We had two bunnies, one showed up on our doorstep from the woods, poor girl. The other we got for Kourts b-day present. We got her a white baby bunny from a friend. Kourtney was in love love love! so was Chancey, he wanted a piece of that bunny, lol We got Brownie (the stray) checked out by a vet and she was all good. The vet said congrats on your new pet. So now we had 2 bunnies. Brownie kept losing weight so we got her poop checked TWICE and they said it's fine. I found her dead in her hutch last week, actually the day after I got my Chance back. We told Kourtney that her parents showed up and she went home with them...LIAR that I am! There is no way we could tell her the truth, this poor girl is struggling so hard with the loss of her doggie. SIGH....Wake me up when September ends...